Resolutions
Last year I made no resolutions at all because I came up with the conclusion that making resolutions were a complete waste of time. Why make resolutions when you're obviously going to break them? My as well don't bother. However, perhaps that's why last year my life was so disorganized. Therefore, this time I am choosing to make some resolutions. According to a magazine I read, resolutions that you make should be 'realistic, specific and easy to follow'.
Right.
1. Will try to go to at least one Pilates class a week in view of the fact that my back is very weak and needs to be strengthened to face the horrors of dentistry that I'm going to be dealing with for the rest of my life.
2. Will never put off printing lecture notes until the morning of the lecture itself. A lot of disasters can occur last minute, such as the cartridge running out of ink.
3. Will not think about the past, but rather focus on what's coming in the future.
4. Will stop fantasizing and start living more realistically.
5. Will try to limit chocolate to 100g a week.
Moving
I am the sort of person that finds it hard to move on. I cling on to the idea or false hope that somehow everything will end up the way I want it to end - if I have the patience to wait long enough. Perhaps some will say that it is a virtue, that perhaps one day my patience will be rewarded. But I am towards thinking that this is just a dead end - that all I'm doing is wasting my time and preventing myself from growing as a person and moving on to something better out there.
Which is why when the year is drawing to an end, I am determined to close all chapters of my life and decide that I should not go on living this way - in fear of the past, not living for the future. What is over can't be changed and it perhaps even managed to change me for the better.
They say that holding on is the hardest. I say it's letting go
Happiness is...
I am determined to write a happy post today. Really. No more whining.
Happiness is when I fall in love with a pair of shoes and the salesgirl comes and tells me that yes, they do have it in my size. The feeling is incomparable.
Happiness is when I get to sleep as long as I want to in a comfortable bed without any interuptions, such as phone calls, doorbells and various noises such as barking, meowing and....pet hate of all pet hates...
mosquito buzzing.
Happiness is when I go to a tram stop and the tram is coming - just on time. No waiting or missing it by a few seconds.
Happiness is when I open my email box and find an email from a friend that I have not heard from for a long time.
Happiness is when I step on the weighing machine after eating chocolates the whole day only to find out that I
lost weight,.
Happiness is going to a cafe in the morning and seeing
pancakes on the menu.
Happiness is waking up in the morning not remembering what day it is...then realising that it's
Saturday.
Lastly, happiness is when you have given up all hope and then everything that you wished for comes true.
5 Things I Miss About Melbourne
After about a month of being here in Batu Pahat, I realise that there are things in Melbourne that I do not have in Batu Pahat. Which is why I have decided to launch into a list of things that I miss about Melbourne. *sigh*
1. FREEDOM. Admittably this has its pros and cons. Back in Malaysia, my every move is watched like a hawk by my parents. Which means if I want to go out, I have to tell them. Which would lead to questions like,' Where are you going?' and 'When will you be back?' In Melbourne however, I am answerable to nobody. If I don't want to go home for the night, so be it. Nobody is going to kick up a fuss or question my actions. On the down side, in Melbourne I kinda have to do everything myself.
2. Food. I am missing my Chocolate Mud Cake so much. I want it. NOW.
3. The Water Pressure. Yes, you read right. In Malaysia when I shower, the water is like a trickle. A drip. Imagine trying to wash your hair with water that is so...listless. In Melbourne, the shower is an actual shower. As far as I'm concerned, the higher the pressure, the better. I want to wash my hair properly again!!
4. Shopping. This is probably slightly connected to freedom as well. In Melbourne, I like to go shopping once during the weekend, and once in the middle of the week when I'm feeling slightly down. Here, my mom thinks I'm crazy that I want to shop so often because 'What is there to shop?!' That is true. In a sense, there's way more things to shop in Melbourne. But Melbourne doesn't have 20 cent butterfly clips and pirated DVDs. I miss shopping!!
5. Magazines. One of my favourite past times is to go to Borders and take a whole stack of magazines such as the various editiosn of Vogue, Harper's Bazaar and Cosmopolitan. Then I'll sit there and read the whole lot, effectively wasting my afternoon away. I can't do that here! *sigh* I have not read a single Vogue since November...I'm so behind :(
This is a sign that I want to go back. Fickle me.
Words
Sometimes I wonder why people insult other people. Do they do it out of the fun of seeing the other person get hurt or do they do it so that they can feel better about themselves? That by putting other people down they can feel that they are superior?
There's the insult that does two things - "Why, my daughter-in-law with two kids is thinner than you". In other words, not only are you fat, my daughter-in-law is thin. Effectively putting you down but at the same time impressing upon you that they're up there. Then there's the plain to the point insult, "You're such a materialistic bitch." And lastly, there's the type of insult that is laced with supposed kindness and jest. Perhaps this is the most venomous - " Omg, so-and-so told me you lost weight! I don't see that...you're like a whale now. *chuckle* Nah, I'm just joking...you're fine...but you're a bit on the plump side, no?"
There's like this constant appraisal going on - how thin are you, how much have you been spending and your current state of loneliness/togetherness. The more you spend, the more you're seen as the girl who is materialistic and shallow. The more you eat, the fatter you get - poor girl is born with a low metabolism rate and an eating disorder.
I used to get so upset over stuff like that. Now I think that as long as I am happy with my life, maybe what people think doesn't matter. Maybe I enjoy shopping - is that a crime? Does that make me a bad person? Does that mean that I am incapable of being somebody worth something? Maybe I love eating - does that mean that I should give it all up to fit into a size 6 Bettina Liano?
The harder you try to please people, the more depressed you get. Nobody is perfect.
Renewed Friendships
When you leave the country and are hardly ever around, what happens is that you begin to lose touch with everything and eventually you end up hanging around with only a few close friends that have stuck with you for the past few years. I am ashamed to admit that I am lousy at recognizing faces that I have not seen for a long time - or even remembering certain characters.
I met up with my friend today that I have not met for a very long time because of various circumstances - mainly because he refuses to come back to my hometown when I'm around and also because of our general business. It was great to meet up again - I have not had a proper conversation with him for so long that I didn't even recognise his accent. This is the person who knows how to be brutally honest with me. The person that tells me point blank what's the problem...with no sugar coating or chocolates.
It's good to have a few wake up calls once in a while.
Mouth Ulcers
When I was young every week or so I'd get ulcers in my mouth. It seemed to be one of those never ending afflictions that I had - the moment one healed, another one would form. So half of my childhood was spent basically whining about how much I was suffering and why I couldn't eat because the pain was so great.
When I moved to Melbourne miraculously it stopped. Therefore I can only assume that the ulcers are either due to the weather or the diet that I have in Malaysia. I'm inclined to think that it's the diet...although I'm not sure what sparks ulcers off.
Anyway, I went up to KL last weekend for my cousin's wedding and for one of the biggest shopping trips I've ever gone on. When I got back, I had the worst hangover ever - sore feet, sore back, mouth ulcer, sore throat and headache.
Proof that too much of a good thing can be bad too.
Happiness is Fleeting
Every time I reach the emotional state where everything is going exactly how I want it to be, and everything is happening precisely at the right time and at the right place - for that few seconds, I am in heaven.
I have achieved this state twice this semester. And within 24 hours my state of supreme happiness was brought crashing down on me. It's as if I am not meant to be this happy.
All mood killers should just go away.
Resistance
I decided that because my dogs are coming along in the years, it was a good idea to take a few photos with them before they, u know...died. So I went out to play with them for a while and they were so adorable. Until my dad showed up with a camera.
That was when they refused to do what they usually do. Refused to sit with me, refused to look where the camera was, refused...basically everything. It was as if the camera is a way to tell the dogs to go instantly stupid. *frustrated*
As a result, all the photos are icky.
P/S: Not only the dogs, me too :(
In A Blink Of An Eye
3 hours ago when I envisioned my life in Melbourne for 2006, my thoughts were roughly this:
1. Go to uni everyday at 8am and drag myself home half dead at 5.
2. Shop more.
3. Eat more.
4. Walk less because I'll be staying so near the Dental Faculty.
5. Cook more - intending to get healthier.
Amazingly, my cousin just informed me that she will be coming to Melbourne to study next year. I am really really happy with this development because this cousin is like a sister to me. Can't wait to spend more time with her instead of only snatches of time during holidays and festive occassions.
Feeling great.
I Love Bags
I'm obsessed about bags now. Then again, I'm obsessed about shoes too. I want more bags and shoes.
Fishes
My parents love gardening. So much so that one day they decided to plant water lillies because 'they are so beautiful!!". So they got a tank of water and started growing them.
Today I went to the market with my dad to go get more fish for that tank. They were selling the fish in plastic bags just by the roadside. Anyway, we decided on small fishes although I was pretty insistent on getting a big goldfish that had a nice frilly tail. My dad said that it would die in a week. Apparently there's this unwritten rule that any pet that I like will die in a week. Except dogs. I have a knack with dogs.
So we brought the fish back home and while we were emptying them into the tank, the fish actually jumped out. Not one, at least six of them. I don't understand. Why would an animal be so stupid to jump out of the tank into the cruel dry world? Maybe it's just me.
Give me dogs any time.
Are You Stubborn?
I went to my aunt's birthday party today and spent most of my time there talking to my uncle. I found it vastly amusing.
My aunt said that my uncle was born stubborn. My uncle disagrees. According to him, when people say that somebody is stubborn, they are merely saying that the person does not conform to what
they want. In other words, the
accuser is the stubborn one because the accuser wants the accused to conform to their beliefs.
I spent half the night smiling to myself.
Expectations
I hate it when my expectations are raised and then they are not met. Because it means that I have to come crashing down back to reality due to the harsh truth in life. I think that nobody should even think of raising my expectations unless they are ready to deliver.
I used to learn to not expect so much because the less you expect, the happier you are when you get more than what you expected. I am not tasting the bitter sensation of having to get less than what I expect. I do not like it.
This is a painful lesson.
Losing Stamina
There was a time when shopping in heels for the whole day would be a piece of cake. That ship has sailed.
I was in Malacca yesterday shopping and after four hours my legs were killing me. Not only my legs - the balls of my feet, my toes, everything. So I gave up and went to buy 2 pairs of flats. I suspect this is the beginning of a whole new genre of shoes in my collection.
It's really sad - I really do feel that high heeled shoes are still the prettiest. But since walking in them seems to be getting increasingly painful I have no choice but to limit my heels to short trips only.
Is this a sign that I'm getting old?
It's In My Blood
I went out for dinner with my grandfather and my extended relatives in a chinese restaurant and was reminded what was it like to be in a chinese restaurant in Batu Pahat. For one, there's always the inevitable karaoke session going on. And the familiar "Happy Birthday" recording that they play for patrons who are celebrating their birthdays. And there's the familiar food.
I have my particular fetishes when it comes to chinese food. Due to the fact that I do not enjoy seafood, it pretty much cuts down the list by half. However, I do enjoy the cold dish, the hot plate tofu and the red bean pancakes.
Anyway, we were talking and they fell into a conversation about facial features. Then I realised that I was made up of a mixture of my grandparents and parents. I know now that my short eyebrows come from my grandfather and my flat nose most decidedly from my grandmother. It freaked me out.
I feel like a jigsaw puzzle.
Curls
Every year I come back to BP and visit my hairstylist and demand that my hair gets rebonded stick straight. This time however, I decided that instead of ironing it flat I wanted it to be curled.
There's all sorts of weird different techniques just to get your hair curly. The hairstylist tried to explain to me the difference between water perm, digital perm, the auntie perm...in the end I just decided that as long as my hair came out curly I didn't care.
So here I am with curly locks. Still getting used to it.
Overthinking
How do you know if you really like a person because of who the person is himself or because of what he can do for you? I mean, if a guy treats you really well and you fall in love, was it his act of treating you well that you're in love with - or the person itself? Perhaps deep down all you wanted was someone to take care of you and therefore the first person that does it... bang - you fall.
Perhaps some may say the act is the manifestation of the person's personality - it is who he is. But what if everything was just a show and it means nothing? How do you learn to trust yourself enough to know the difference between liking the person and liking what the person can offer you?
Feeling very tired.
