Why
It just dawned on me today why for the past few weeks life hasn't been good. The more I look back, I don't see why it took me so long for me to realise what exactly is the problem. At first I thought it's because I was lonely and I didn't know what I want. But now I know where lies the true problem - myself.Everyday it's the same bullshit I have to go through. I get asked to do this, and just to oblige the person out of politeness, and for fear of offending the person, I say yes. That's fine if you do it once. Try almost everyday. I believe that this is why life sucks now. I am not living for myself - I am living for others.
Everyday it's the fear that I wouldn't be good enough, that if I don't agree the person will be offended, and that I am hurting the person. Now I finally realise - so what? Is that person's hurt a bigger issue than my own happiness? I don't think so. How many times have I been badgered into doing something I didn't want to do, just because if I don't do it, that's the supposed end of the friendship. Trying hard to please the whole world, I ended up giving in to everything.
True, you have to compromise to be in this world or everybody would be quarreling. But where is the end? Surely there is a limit to how much you have to compromise to make people happy. I have reached that end. I've been spiralling in self hate and eating to supress my feelings for too long - I have compromised too much.
I know now that this is not how it is going to be. I have to realise that I cannot continue on like this - this is not my life - this is everybody else's life. All my life I've been trying to please others. Now I realise what about me? Don't I deserve my own say in this world as well?
Something has to change.