To buy or not to buy
For a few days I've been thinking about whether I should buy an item that I've been thinking about for the past few weeks. I like it a lot but over and over the same questions have been coming back. Is it worth the money? Is it justified to spend so much on something like that when I am not earning my own money? Is it something that I would really like and continue to love after I get it, or is it just going to be forgotten in a month's time and seen as just another thing in my collection? And biggest question of all - do I deserve it?
In terms of whether it's worth the money, I know it isn't. After all, it's all about the design and the brand that's all. And maybe a little bit of quality. Is it justified to spend so much? Again, it isn't. I am not earning my own money and therefore shouldn't be squandering my parents' money on something unnecessary and is obviously a want, not a need. I think it is something that I would continue to love and cherish after I get it though. I've liked it since I was 17 and that was 3 years ago. That should mean something, shouldn't it?
Do I deserve it? In many ways I have to say that I do not. I have not been the model student of the year. Much of my time has been spend wasting time just relaxing and enjoying life instead of really putting in the hours to do well for my exams. As a result, my exam results for my previous semester was mediocre, not great, but not awful either.
But the bottom line is, I want it. Does that overwrite everything else?
Gotta Get Over You - Aslyn
If I wanted to believe you, I guess I could
And if I wanted to understand you, I guess I would
But my days would go blank and I'd be freezing naked
Cuz stripped of you, well, that's modestly all that I know
So I'm not ready to get over you cuz
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over every piece that puzzled you and me
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over feeling my heart and tasting and seeing
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over Earth, Wind, and Fire
Change the soap in the shower
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over singing this song for hundreds of hours
So boy while you chip in some understanding, I'll make a deal with my mess
And cleaning up what I WANNA BE SAYING is my first big step
When I close my eyes and everything I run into
Is stubbing me with bruises of memories of you
I'm not ready to get over you cuz
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over every piece that puzzled you and me
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over feeling my heart and tasting and seeing
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over Earth, Wind, and Fire
Change the soap in the shower
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over singing this song for hundreds of hours
Waffle house jokes and romantic comedies
Avon cologne and credit card entries
Butter on popcorn and that mercury sable
The whole darn state of North Carolina
My pink leather jacket and cherry hi-c
When I'm finally without you
Can't figure out what'll be left of me
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over every piece that puzzled you and me
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over feeling my heart and tasting and feeling
If I gotta get over you, I gotta get over Earth, Wind, and Fire
Change the soap in the shower
If I gotta get over you, I gotta STOP singing this song for hundreds of hours
Tired. Derit. Whatever.
I. Am. So. Tired. I am so tired that I can't even see straight anymore and everything is a blur. I am so tired that I almost fell asleep on the phone when I was talking to my parents telling them how tired I was. I was so tired that I filled up an entire dental chart wrongly, resulting in me having to do it all over again thanks to my lack of focus. I am so tired that if I could, I just want to drop down in bed and just stay there for the next 24 hours.
I can't sleep lately. I get into bed at around 1am hoping that I start feeling sleepy. But I don't. By 2 I think that it's definitely time to go to bed so I switch off the lights. Then I toss and turn for at least another hour trying to find the 'right' position to fall asleep. Sleep on back - feels weird. Sleep on side - what do I do with my hands? Sleep face down - can't breathe. Sleep in fetal position - my leg starts cramping. Everything is just wrong. And my mind is overworked. It's so overloaded that it's running at this frantic pace. Thoughts in my head go something like this:
Okay, let's see what I have to do tomorrow. Okay, I have to go to the lecture...must remember to bring this, don't forget that. Oh yeah, that too. Try not too eat too much. Assignment due...must remmeber. Oh no, the stupid prac report as well. Exams are in 2 weeks!!!!!!!! Okay, stay calm. Study so and so tomorrow.
The list goes on. I am so sick and tired of having to be responsible to for everything that I have to do. I know that it is silly to not want to take responsibility for everything but the truth is, I want to at least have somewhere to go to when I'm down and out rather than have to deal with it myself. Like when I was printing notes and I have to babysit the printer. Or when I feel like eating something in particular. Basically, I'm just so tired of doing everything.
On the up side (if this is an upside), I managed to do my first scaling ever in my life. It was actually better than I expected, cleaning out disgustingly dirty teeth is surprisingly fulfilling. *I'm so tired*
Okay, I have so many things to do this week I don't even know where to start. I. Am. So. Freaking. Tired.
"The traffic in my brain is driving me insane this is more than I can take" - Hilary Duff
Interesting Quote
I was surfing through my favourite website of all time. Okay, maybe not all time, but I have been going to it very regularly for the past few years since I was 14 or so. There was an article on favourite quotes. And this was one of the girls' favourites:
"It's okay to kiss a fool. It's okay to let a fool kiss you. But never let a kiss fool you."
Hm...is it really okay to kiss a fool? I suppose it's alright except for the possible humiliation you feel afterwards. Same goes with letting a fool kissing you. But never let a kiss fool you... I thought it was something worth learning. I guess it applies to everything else in general, not just kissing. Never let sweet words, gestures or even presents blind you to the person's actual character.
Not all that glitters is gold.
Steak on Floor
I had a very interesting conversation today with my friends. They were discussing whether we would eat something that accidentally fell on the floor, such as a piece of raw steak that somehow didn't make it to the pan. All of us said yes. Looks like hygiene doesn't mean much to any of us. Our logic is that our immune system can definitely handle it anyway and that a bored immune system is bad for you. Bored immune systems lead to allergies.
Then this question was raised. What if you were cooking dinner for a friend and you dropped one piece of steak on the floor? Would you serve the piece of steak that fell onto the floor to your friend or would you give it to yourself? After all, if it's really not a big deal, it doesn't matter right? However, all of us were hesitant. Even I couldn't decide what I would do.
After thinking about it, I think I would do what my friend suggested we could do. I'd drop the other piece of steak on the floor too. Then they'll both be equally tainted and if they're contaminated, me and my friend would both face the same consequences.
Maybe not the greatest idea, but probably the fairest.
Inner and Outer Beauty
I was flipping through my iPhoto album today, going backwards chronologically. Today's Handbells performance, my housemate's birthday party, a masquerade ball, the trip to the Ice Circus....then a large gap. Then more pictures. My best friend's visit to Melbourne, my visit to Singapore, birthdays. My year in Trinity, when I was 18 years old and what I consider to be the turning point in my life. The most eventful year of my life up to date.
There were photos of me after my accident, still with brackets on my teeth and fresh scars. Rewind a few photos, pictures of me before the accident, but instead with a scar on my forehead due to another accident earlier in the year. Rewind another few photos and suddenly i was in 2002.
Then it hit me. How much I have changed since 2002, which was a mere 3 years ago. What is only 36 months feels like several lifetimes away. I look at the picture and I realise that the me now is almost nothing like the me then. The difference is startling. Then I pondered, what about the inner me? Have I evolved as well?
In terms of my outer beauty, I realised that I definitely had better features then. Nicer complexion, a slimmer frame, a high nosebridge and a close to symmetrical face. What was almost the perfect me is now imperfect. I have scars on my face not only from the accidents but also from mild acne. My face is now assymetrical due to the accident that fractured my facial bones in 6 places. I have a titanium tooth implant where I once had a lower canine. My nosebridge has dissapeared. I have gained weight. In short, what I completely took for granted at 17 I now miss sorely.
For all my imperfections I have seeked remedies. I rebonded and highlighted my hair, put on make up religiously and dress up to look presentable. But yet when I compared a photo of me dressed up to perfection to one of which was taken when I was with no make up, no hair no nothing... I realised that me at 17 still looked better than me at 20. That no matter how hard I try, I can never look as good again. Scars can not be erased. A nose that is flat is flat. An implant in place of a canine, which happens to be the tooth that attaches most strongly to the jaw is poor comfort. Everything that was once natural is now artificial. And not only that, perhaps it's because the person in me has changed as well.
Me at 17: I cannot deny that even at that age I knew luxury items. I adored watches, pens and technological items. But I did not worship them? or did I? The point is, it is in a higher gear now that I am 20. Now I adore even more things. Materialism is so deep set in me. I sit in Borders reading Vogue, not only the Australian edition, but the UK and US ones as well. I go to Tiffany & Co just to fantasize what my jewellery collection will be like 30 years from now. I build my dream houses and dream wardrobe. I have already decided which 7 watches I want, one for each day of the week. In short, my material life has been well planned.
Do I do this because I am truly materialistic or to fill in some gap in my life that has been long empty? I wonder. The truth is, I think material goods is just a tranquilizer, a distraction from the actual emptiness that I feel. As long as I chase after material goods, my mind would be preoccupied and I wouldn't have to think about the other aspects of my life.
Besides that, perhaps I am more....selfish? Unfeeling? Lately I have come to do things that I wouldn't have done 3 years ago. I like to think that I was a reasonably helpful person, almost to the point of being a doormat. I'm not like that now. I am much more concerned about my happiness instead of others now. Is that positive or negative? I can't say. After all, it is impossible to please everyone.
If only I could turn back time.
"What do you mean we have a month? It's tomorrow!"
I spent the entire weekend working on an assignment that is only going to be due two weeks from now. Wanted to be on top of my work and not have to do a last minute panicked and frantic job out of it. So, I went to the library today and serenely went over my assignment which was well ahead of schedule and went for a leisurely lunch with my friends. And then I went to clinic.
Nothing special in clinic today really - I didn't have my own patient so I was just assisting my friend with hers. After we finished doing everything we were writing up reports. And then:
Friend: So, have you done any studying yet?
Me: Like, none? Anyway, we have a month. Hopefully I'll be ready by then.
Friend: WhAt are you talking about? The test is tomorrow!!
Turns out, I have a Neuroscience test tomorrow that is worth a grand total of 1.67% out of the entire subject. I know, it is a pittance really, hardly worth mentioning. But I felt really awful anyway. How could I have completely forgotten all about a test? This is the first time I have ever been this irresponsible and I have to say that I felt awful. It was a mixture of guilt, dissapointment and overwhelming shame. I violated my parents' trust in me that I would make studies my main priority in Melbourne and worst of all, I let myself down. It is entirely too late to start studying now. I do not even have the textbook for that subject due to my constant procrastination. Now, all I feel is an avalanche of guilt and the magnitude of the task ahead of me is overwhelming. I have to somehow, miraculously, study hard enough to get results worth getting in exams that are less than a month off.
I have done nothing that I can be honestly proud of this semester. All my time was spent lazing around, meeting up with friends, meeting new friends, having fun, shopping...basically anything but study really. All I have to show for it now is a stack of clothes and an empty bank account. Is it worth sacrificing my future for my present happiness? I doubt it.
Feeling very low.
