Some questions do not have answers

Inner and Outer Beauty

I was flipping through my iPhoto album today, going backwards chronologically. Today's Handbells performance, my housemate's birthday party, a masquerade ball, the trip to the Ice Circus....then a large gap. Then more pictures. My best friend's visit to Melbourne, my visit to Singapore, birthdays. My year in Trinity, when I was 18 years old and what I consider to be the turning point in my life. The most eventful year of my life up to date.

There were photos of me after my accident, still with brackets on my teeth and fresh scars. Rewind a few photos, pictures of me before the accident, but instead with a scar on my forehead due to another accident earlier in the year. Rewind another few photos and suddenly i was in 2002.

Then it hit me. How much I have changed since 2002, which was a mere 3 years ago. What is only 36 months feels like several lifetimes away. I look at the picture and I realise that the me now is almost nothing like the me then. The difference is startling. Then I pondered, what about the inner me? Have I evolved as well?

In terms of my outer beauty, I realised that I definitely had better features then. Nicer complexion, a slimmer frame, a high nosebridge and a close to symmetrical face. What was almost the perfect me is now imperfect. I have scars on my face not only from the accidents but also from mild acne. My face is now assymetrical due to the accident that fractured my facial bones in 6 places. I have a titanium tooth implant where I once had a lower canine. My nosebridge has dissapeared. I have gained weight. In short, what I completely took for granted at 17 I now miss sorely.

For all my imperfections I have seeked remedies. I rebonded and highlighted my hair, put on make up religiously and dress up to look presentable. But yet when I compared a photo of me dressed up to perfection to one of which was taken when I was with no make up, no hair no nothing... I realised that me at 17 still looked better than me at 20. That no matter how hard I try, I can never look as good again. Scars can not be erased. A nose that is flat is flat. An implant in place of a canine, which happens to be the tooth that attaches most strongly to the jaw is poor comfort. Everything that was once natural is now artificial. And not only that, perhaps it's because the person in me has changed as well.

Me at 17: I cannot deny that even at that age I knew luxury items. I adored watches, pens and technological items. But I did not worship them? or did I? The point is, it is in a higher gear now that I am 20. Now I adore even more things. Materialism is so deep set in me. I sit in Borders reading Vogue, not only the Australian edition, but the UK and US ones as well. I go to Tiffany & Co just to fantasize what my jewellery collection will be like 30 years from now. I build my dream houses and dream wardrobe. I have already decided which 7 watches I want, one for each day of the week. In short, my material life has been well planned.

Do I do this because I am truly materialistic or to fill in some gap in my life that has been long empty? I wonder. The truth is, I think material goods is just a tranquilizer, a distraction from the actual emptiness that I feel. As long as I chase after material goods, my mind would be preoccupied and I wouldn't have to think about the other aspects of my life.

Besides that, perhaps I am more....selfish? Unfeeling? Lately I have come to do things that I wouldn't have done 3 years ago. I like to think that I was a reasonably helpful person, almost to the point of being a doormat. I'm not like that now. I am much more concerned about my happiness instead of others now. Is that positive or negative? I can't say. After all, it is impossible to please everyone.

If only I could turn back time.

posted by Evelyn at 3:27 AM